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okay so this is probably gonna be the most important entry, because it's about how i made my decision on what i want with my life. i'd love to say that the past, what, month? hasn't been the funnest thing. it's probably the worst thing EVER. i haven't eaten, hardly slept, i'm falling asleep in school, and can't think right. my friends were right, some days i DID try to run away from it, cause then i'd rather be happy then think about the situation, cause everytime i did i was eating which made me wanna throw up. it made me so sick to my stomach. i'd cry myself to sleep almost everynight asking God to help me. asking to point me which way to go. all i needed was to feel like someone was there for me. because dan couldn't talk to me, and when i talked to dj we jsut fought and got sad, and i felt ganged up on by my friends. i felt pushed into making a decision so fast, felt like i was being asked too many questions. and all of them say i shouldn't leave dj, that it'd be ridiculous. but what about what i want? i ALWAYS, ALWAYS put everyone else's feelings before mine. like, there is never a time where i don't. cause i want THEM to be happy. but what about megan. nope. she doesn't have feelings. *sigh* i've felt pressured and yelled at for days. tried talking and when i did i got agrivated then my friends wouldn't talk to me. i felt SO alone. i really felt like no one was there. except God. which was basically my everything at the time. i could sit there and pray all day if i wanted to cause i know he'd listen. my best friend couldn't talk to me, my boyfriend argued with me, and my friends tried to help but it didn't work. then last night me heather dj carlos and josh slept over dan's and audra's house. and i was SO excited friday because i wanted to make that friday the best one i'd ever have. i got to go to school late, and basically relaxed the rest of the school day. then i came home and took a shower and got pumped cause we were all gonna go to the movies. except when i found out danny was crying and i helped him feel better. he said he hated all this and it was killing him. i feel the same. then later on i had to clean my turtle tank out or i'd get in big trouble, and dj said that's what him and audra were talking about when they said hurry up cause now me and him couldn't have alone time. then i said frustrated cause i felt rushed. and he was crying when i came back up cause he read my and danny's convo, which was wrong, and i thought he shoulda asked my permission FIRST. i knew it was gonna happen, i knew he was gonna read it, but i forgot to shut pff aim cause i was mad. then dj talked, yelled, to / whatever at me. and i felt like the biggest loser on the face of the earth. which brought down my night. then we got in the car and danny said he wasn't gonna hangout with us that night. so i was like okay i needa talk to him. then me audra and carlos talked when we went to the mall and we were all mad, then me and dj got into a fight, then dj and carlos had an argument. i seriously wanted to punch the car window, i couldn't take it anymore. so then i said i wanted to go to audra's cause i wanted to talk to danny. and we did talk. there was a couple silences, only cause we were thinking about the same thing was, this sucks majorly. we hugged a few times and, just, sat there. cause we had no idea what to say other than we were thinking about what was going on. then carlos came in and mentioned a group meeting when they got back from getting heather. so i was like, yeah, idk what to say. and all of them said that i had to do what's right for ME. not ANYONE else. it just seemed weird cause i never do that. i think of others before me. and it really got me thinking on the drive to work this morning. i think i want a change. i don't wanna feel tied down. i don't wanna hurt anyone anymore. i'm sick of pain. today at work, i started getting a cough and everything. know what that's from? NOT EATING. i haven't eaten ALL day. except 2 very small bags of chips. and a hot pocket when i got home. i'm surprised i could even eat that. i'm sick of knowing everyone's basically waiting on me, i keep hurting people, i jeep people waiting, i keep screwing up cause i try to run away from this. and honestly, danny makes me feel good about myself. i'm not hiding this. i'm gonna say what i want, even if it hurts people, because they need to know how I feel. he makes me smile and laugh. and he's a great person. he's cute and funny. "think before you act". well i did, and i decided to write that. but i thought about it, and this time i'm doing what i think is best. i might regret it, i might not. but i can't keep sitting here. i can't keep doing this.Current Mood:  blah
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megansayyys's journal
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